Divaldo Alves' Manchester United Job Application

Dear Mr Glazer

It is I, Divaldo Alves, tactical genius. I am writing this letter to you for the purpose of applying for the job of manager for your club, Manchester United.

Now, I hear you saying, "But Mr Alves, we already told you to bugger off the last time, simply because you don't have what it takes to manage at this level. Why do you think you can do better than that Scottish idiot David Moyes? And were you not sacked by your last club?". Well, this is where you are mistaken. It is obvious that your club is in dire need of a tactical mastermind such as myself, since David Moyes did such a terrible job. How can one only pick up 6 points and 6 goals against the league's top 7, in which 4 of the points came against Arsenal? Add to the fact that Liverpool, Manchester City, and Everton did the double over you. Everton!. In my time as manager of Negeri Sembilan, we have never lost by more than 2 goals, an indication of my tactical ingenuity, and we certainly picked up more than a point against our rivals. Sadly, genius is never appreciated during its time, which is why my time with them was short.

To further stress my qualities, thanks to my efforts, Negeri Sembilan will be playing in a new league next season. Did your Moyes do that? Of course not, he can't even get you to the very prestigious Europa League, where you can travel to the hidden cities in Europe. I was also able to solve the problem of this misfiring striker we had, and once that was done, we were back in the scoring business. At this stage of the season in our league, we certainly would not be challenging for the AFC Cup. Instead, we were after better things, such as competing in a more competitive league (in my opinion). If this has not shown my capabilities, then I don't know what will.

Furthermore, I was questioned as to why I do not play youngsters during my time. It is ridiculous. Everyone knows you don't win anything with kids. That was why I insisted on playing the oldies, because of their experience. Never mind the fact that some of them clearly cannot play the full game anymore. If I were to manage your club, Ryan Giggs will start every match as a captain, and Zaha and Januzaj will be sold to some 3rd division club in Ukraine. Also, in spirit of Asian solidarity, I will give your star playmaker who wears the shirt number 26, Park Ji-Sung, a more prominent role in the squad. Unfortunately, due to Moyes' stupidity, Nemanja Vidic will be leaving your club, which is why I will be contacting Gary Pallister and see if he would like to be the main defender from next season.

I will be waiting for your answer. Which will definitely be 'yes', since no sane person would turn down a genius such as me

Geniusly yours,
Divaldo Alves

Furious Storm (Part 1)

Night falls on HMS Mariner Venture. The ship's crew gets set for a shift change, allowing those on the day shift to get a well-earned rest. They've been on the rescue mission for quite some time now, but they still have not seen any sign of the shipwreck.

First Officer Robert Martin heads down to the dining hall, looking forward to Fajita Friday. A hot, piping batch is served just as he enters the dining hall. Grabbing a plate and taking what he needs, he settles down at a table at the corner. The rest of the crew know well enough by now that whenever he picks that table, he wants to be left alone with his thoughts. A lot of things run through his mind, but the most prominent of all - he just wants to go home, back to seeing his family and friends, with this being his final involvement with the navy. Though he likes the regimented lifestyle, he figured it is time to lead a normal life, with a professional job. He starts eating his fajitas, and before he knows it, he's cleaned off the whole plate.

Two weeks later...

The crew on board HMS Mariner Venture are getting excited. They just spotted a huge debris field of what they believe to be of the missing ocean cruiser, the Majestic Hope. All the rescue equipment has been put on standby, waiting for the command to be deployed. After getting the clearance, the equipment is deployed, hoping to find survivors, although they know any chance of that is very slim.

"Hey, is that a guy over there?"

Private Russell Lane's shout got the attention of some of the rescuers. Quickly, a couple of speedboats change their course to the location Lane pointed out. Sure enough, they found a man on one of the floating debris. Unfortunately, he was long gone. The rescuers retrieve him from the debris, and put him in a body bag. For a few hours, they scoured the area, and with the help of other ships that joined the rescue mission, they recovered most of the bodies of the victims of the wreck.

Lane's crew arrive on deck, together with the bodies they recovered. Robert helps them carry the bodies to a holding section. After finishing the task, he got a little curious.

"Mind if I look at the bodies?" he asks the ship doctor.

"Not really, just don't contaminate them any further" is the reply.

He runs through their faces one by one. Whatever emotion he has while looking at the faces, he keeps it hidden really well. Then, he stops at one of them, taking a long, hard look at the face. It is of a man, who is of similar age as Robert himself. Slowly, Robert breaks into a smile and whispers...

"Finally. It's been years, but you're finally dead. What took you so long?"

To be continued...

Divaldo Alves' Application Letter For The Manchester United Job

Dear Mr Glazer

It is I, Divaldo Alves, tactical genius. I am writing this letter to you for the purpose of applying for the job of manager for your club, Manchester United.

Now, I hear you saying, "But Mr Alves, we already have a manager. Why on earth do we need you? And were you not sacked by your last club?". Well, this is where you are mistaken. It is obvious that your club is in dire need of a tactical mastermind such as myself, since David Moyes seems to be doing a terrible job. How can one pick up only 1 point and 1 goal against 3 of your rivals? Add to the fact that you lost 4-1 to Manchester City. In my time as manager of Negeri Sembilan, we have never lost by more than 2 goals, an indication of my tactical ingenuity, and we certainly picked up more than a point against our rivals. Sadly, genius is never appreciated during its time, which is why my time with them was short.

To further stress my qualities, thanks to my efforts, Negeri Sembilan will be playing in a new league next season. Can your Moyes do that? Of course not. I was also able to solve the problem of this misfiring striker we had, and once that was done, we were back in the scoring business. At this stage of the season in our league, we certainly would not be challenging for the Europa League. Instead, we were after better things, such as competing in a more competitive league (in my opinion). If this has not shown my capabilities, then I don't know what will.

Furthermore, I was questioned as to why I do not play youngsters during my time. It is ridiculous. Everyone knows you don't win anything with kids. That was why I insisted on playing the oldies, because of their experience. Never mind the fact that some of them clearly cannot play the full game anymore. If I were to manage your club, Ryan Giggs will start every match as a captain, and Zaha and Januzaj will be sold to some 3rd division club in Ukraine. Also, in spirit of Asian solidarity, I will give your star playmaker who wears the shirt number 26, Park Ji-Sung, a more prominent role in the squad.

And yes, while I realize that Moyes engineered a win over Liverpool last night, it is a feat which is expected from any manager really. Which is why I will be taking over, since he already lost the first time around.

I will be waiting for your answer. Which will definitely be 'yes', since no sane person would turn down a genius such as me

Geniusly yours,
Divaldo Alves

J.A.N.G - Mangkuk Botingkek

Jang!!
Mangkukmu botingkek tingkek 5x
Den nak layan pun dah ponek

Koba nak gi rayo
Torpakso tunggu lamo
Tunggu oghang tompi takdo
Ekau pulak nak mongado
Den balik bilik ekau takdo
Takdo koba poie mano
Elok ekau balik Kolumpo
Dah la tak ghoti tutup lampu

Mangkukmu botingkek tingkek (7x)
Den nak layan pun dah ponek

Koba nak gi rayo
Torpakso tunggu lamo
Tunggu oghang tompi takdo
Ekau pulak nak mongado
Den balik bilik ekau takdo
Takdo koba poie mano
Elok ekau balik Kolumpo
Dah la tak ghoti tutup lampu

Mangkukmu botingkek tingkek
Den nak layan memang ponek
Baik den duk kek Bongek
Lopeh tu drive ko Gomeh
Jangan kito nyusahkan oghang
Tak kiro samo milah ko jang
Nanti kito gak yang susah
Apo kito nak jawab kaghang?

Ekau jangan solalu suko-suko
Tak lamo nanti borduko
Mari kito poie rayo
Boleh jumpo kawan baghu
Jangan malu nak tanyo namo
Nanti boleh lepak samo-samo
Ado satu den nak mintak tolong
Dah bosa nanti kito semuo jangan dilupo

Sosal komudian takdo guno
Den ghaso mombazir maso
Tolong boli tiket tuk ekau
Tompi ekau lari maso rayo
Ekau buek den paneh
Darah den dah mondidih
Den nak koba satu bondo
Ekau memang mangkuk tingkek

Mangkukmu botingkek tingkek 7x
Den nak layan pun dah ponek

Okay esey on
ekau pun on
Tengok sapo laie champion
Meh kito poie pantai
Sapo monang monyolam (you're on!)

Ekau hari hari poie gym
Lopeh tu nak tunjuk body
Ekau jangan jobo bona
Kalau ekau tak nak bolaja

Nismilan susah nak monang
Takpo Pialo Malaysia kito pogang
Biar musuh kito bongang
Bilo tengok pialo Tok Mat julang

You're in The State of Nine, that blog of mine
Makin parodies ain't a crime
Den suko mo JB
Tompi bukan si ponyanyi
Meh sini den kobakan
Jenson Button la, sapo laie
Milah jangan la monangih
Bilo den koba dio tak ghoti nyanyi
Somban waghih representin
& everyone knows who runs it
This aint about me this about the city
Jangan kito lupo asal usul
Bilo dah borjayo jangan jobo
Nanti oghang tinggalkan ekau
Kawan pun dah lari samo
Up down kito samo
Jangan ditolak topi, kito rugi
Tak payah duk koja milah
Last last kojo kutip sampah
Hujung minggu lepak Pilah
Samo-samo layan shisha
Lepak dongan kawan, best what!

Tak salah koja ghoto
Boli apo ekau suko
Tompi kalau duit ekau takdo
Takyah boli kot tak mampu

Budak sokaghang sumo nak sonang
Tak nak koluar wang
Bilo dio dah boghutang
Dio pulak salahkan oghang

Mangkukmu botingkek tingkek 7x
Den nak layan pun dah ponek

Haha
Jang
Ekau yang terpilih

How Divaldo Alves' Day Went

TIME : Approximately 24 hours before kick-off
Huh. So PBNS have decided to put me on gardening leave ahead of tomorrow's clash against ATM. As if that's gonna do the team any good. The players haven't been playing that well anyway. Putting a local coach in charge? Like that's gonna make any difference. The team will lose tomorrow, and soon they will be all "oh great tactical genius Divaldo, please come back, we were wrong to drop you". And then I will be like, "You fools! You dare drop me, Divaldo Alves, in the idiotic thought that you might actually get a win? Now bow down to me and admit my tactical genius!"

TIME : 20 minutes before kick-off
Wait, no Marlon in the ATM lineup? No matter, they will win anyway, since this new guy is putting players out of position and will end up looking like a fool at the end of the game

TIME : 2nd minute
Holy crap, the jinx actually scored? This is not going according to plan at all. If Negeri win they will forget all about me and love the new guy. No matter, the team can't hold on to a lead for long anyway

TIME : Whenever it was that Hairuddin equalised
BOOM! Told ya! The team will never break their no-win streak. Not as long as I am around. Divaldo Alves, tactical genius!

TIME : Nazrin's goal
What the hell is going on? Nazrin scored? That kid always thought hitting the post counted as extra points. Maybe the new coach confused him into actually scoring? Witchcraft, definitely

TIME : Half-time (ATM 1-2 N9)
Okay, Divaldo, okay. There's still 45 minutes to go. ATM can win this for sure even without Hairuddin in the team and I can have my job back. The team could not win with I, tactical master Divaldo Alves, so what chance do they have with the new guy?

TIME : 60th minute
This is getting nervy. Since when do they know how to hold on to a lead?

TIME : 75th minute
With these substitutions the new guy made it clearly shows he doesn't know what he's doing. What more with players out of their positions. I can definitely see ATM getting 2 quick goals, and me getting my job back

TIME : 85th minute 
ATM JUST SCORE A DAMN GOAL FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

TIME : Full-time (ATM 1-2 N9)
This is definitely not what I had in mind. It was I, Divaldo Alves, the tactical genius who was supposed to engineer a first win for the team this season and be hailed as a hero by the masses. Instead, a random newbie did it and the fans already love him. They were supposed to love me! Also, those glasses make him look stupid. Clearly I have a better fashion sense. I'd go to NS Betaria and ruin them, but they already did that to themselves. What next for me, you ask? I think the Everton job is available...

Harimau Malaya : The Future

This time around, we have not been able to defend our AFF Suzuki Cup title which we have won in 2010. That honour now belongs to Si***p**e. The question on most, if not all Harimau Malaya fans' lips is, "What now?"

True, in recent years we have seen some improvement in the way the team plays, but obviously this has not been enough. We have failed to progress in the World Cup qualifying rounds and, as stated above, failed to defend our title. To be truly successful, we must look beyond the Southeast Asia region. We must be challenging at a higher level

But are the players up for it?

In the series of friendlies just before the Suzuki Cup, I've noticed the team lacked cohesion in the overall gameplay, and this problem persisted into the tournament. The most obvious examples are the games against our southern neighbours and Thailand. We offered next to nothing in attack. The midfield wasn't exactly doing its job properly, thus resulted in the lack of killer balls in the attacking third and also exposing the back four to the opposition's threats. For me, Safiq has failed as a captain and a playmaker. While he was influential in the 2010 win, he was invisible during the tournament. His only noticeable contribution was that freekick against Laos (which was brilliant, by the way). However, you cannot expect to keep living on one good moment throughout the whole campaign

One of the bright sparks in the team was Wan Zack Haikal. Recently awarded S-League's Young Player of the Year award, he showed us that it is not all doom and gloom for our national team. In fact, I believe that he is in for a bright future if he is managed properly. Together with Mahalli Jasuli, our right flank can be deadly in attack, sort of like the Neville-Beckham combination at Manchester United

However, I believe if they keep plying their trade in Malaysia, they may not be able to fulfill their true potential

Let's be honest, do you really believe Malaysia-based players can go far? Certainly it would be better for our football if our players started playing in foreign countries. I am not talking about countries in Southeast Asia, as they are of similar level to us, but countries such as Japan, South Korea and Portugal. Sure I may sound like I'm talking out of my arse, but really these countries are superior to us not just in footballing performance, but training, facilities and youth development as well. Look at Nazmi Faiz. While he was playing in Malaysia, he can barely play a full match. Now reports are emerging from Portugal that he is now able to complete a full match thanks to advances in medical science and sports science facilities over there. Which teams in Malaysia have those kinds of facilities? Not many I suppose. Training sessions in those countries are also more intense, in the sense that the sessions are engineered around improving stamina and technique. Take a look at Manchester United. Why have they been able to snatch a win in injury time, time and time again (and no, it's not because of Fergie time). It's because even after playing for 90 minutes, they still have that bit energy to carry them over the finish line. I doubt many of our players can do that, save for a few such as Kunanlan, who just can't stop running

Now this is where I believe agents should come in (even though some are parasites, even more so on the Football Manager games). The players should have agents representing them so that they can be recommended to teams around the world. While securing a dream move to the EPL or La Liga may just be wishful thinking, there might be other clubs in top footballing countries who might be interested in the players. That's how Nazmi secured his move to Beira-Mar. As much as I don't like to admit it, agents can make or break a footballer's career. It is absolutely vital to have good connections so that multiple clubs might have an interest in the players

Earlier today, the Malaysian U-15 team beat their Slavia Praha counterparts 5-0 in the Frenz U15 International Cup. For those who don't know, Slavia's senior team currently play in the top flight of Czech football. Our youngsters are showing great potential. While they may not have been world class, they are rough diamonds who must be shined to carry our nation's name in the future. Which is why I believe they must play overseas instead of in Malaysia. If we compare our senior team's performance in 2010 and 2012, we can see there's been little to no progress. As I've told my friends, it's not that our players have gone backwards, it's just that they have not really progressed. Our playing style has been the same, there's been no improvements or adaptations to combat the oppositions' playing style. We can't keep hoofing the ball forward for the striker to chase, that's kampung-level football. The players need to work on their technique so we can play short passes and keep possession for a longer period of time. If the youngsters play in Malaysia, they will never improve since our training facilities and tactical mindset are not that great. They should emulate Nazmi and train hard to earn a move to a foreign club and hopefully improve leaps and bounds

Another reason why the youngsters fail at a higher level is purely academic pressure. Some parents believe that professional football will not benefit them in the long run. Others are simply the non-sporty types and do not want their kids to have anything to do with football. While studying is indeed important, this mindset must be changed. Their kids may be the quality players that Malaysia needs to step up to the next level and may even secure lucrative contracts. Let these kids play and develop their talents, for there may be a superstar in the making, but their futures are scuppered because of their parents

The future of our national team is bright, but only if it's managed properly. With the clowns at FAM running the show, and the usage of obsolete tactics at international level, I am highly skeptical of this. But I do hope to see our players playing in top leagues in Europe and Asia powerhouse countries


UPDATE : Nazmi, you suck

Czech prodigy set to sign for Negeri Sembilan?

 Artur Vlastislavic, Czech hotshot striker

With Negeri Sembilan's season effectively being over after being knocked out of the Piala Malaysia quarterfinals, the transfer rumour mill is at full swing, with Farizal Marlias having been already being confirmed to join Perak for next season. With the contract status of Jean-Emmanuel Effa Owona and Marian Farbak being major unknowns, the name Artur Vlastislavic has popped up, touted as a possible player to fully utilise the foreign player rules

 Vlastislavic is an 18-year-old Czech striker, who can also function as an attacking midfielder. Born in the town of Karviná in the year 1994, Vlastislavic was spotted by MFK Karviná scouts while he was playing in a regional football competition, during which he was the youngest player of the tournament at a tender age of 7. He joined the club's academy, and started playing in the U18 league at the age of 14. During this time, he bagged an impressive total of 102 goals after making 89 appearances, a club record. Vlastislavic has clearly impressed the manager, who persuaded him to sign a pre-contract deal when he was 16

However, Czech giants Sparta Prague caught wind of this raw talent, and snapped him up a year later. He is yet to feature in the first team so far, but he has been banging them in while playing for the U18 team, scoring 34 goals in 29 appearances. An ankle injury suffered while training last January has hampered his progress, but expect him to return to form once he recovers

Sources in Czech Republic state that scouts from several Malaysian teams, including Negeri Sembilan, were spotted at recent matches involving Sparta Prague's U18 team, apparently casting an eye on Vlastislavic. It remains to be seen whether these rumours hold any water, but should they be true, expect him to wear the yellow of Negeri Sembilan as the sources also indicated only the scout from Negeri Sembilan was present in all the matches mentioned  

if you actually believe this I feel sorry for you