Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Divaldo Alves' Manchester United Job Application

Dear Mr Glazer

It is I, Divaldo Alves, tactical genius. I am writing this letter to you for the purpose of applying for the job of manager for your club, Manchester United.

Now, I hear you saying, "But Mr Alves, we already told you to bugger off the last time, simply because you don't have what it takes to manage at this level. Why do you think you can do better than that Scottish idiot David Moyes? And were you not sacked by your last club?". Well, this is where you are mistaken. It is obvious that your club is in dire need of a tactical mastermind such as myself, since David Moyes did such a terrible job. How can one only pick up 6 points and 6 goals against the league's top 7, in which 4 of the points came against Arsenal? Add to the fact that Liverpool, Manchester City, and Everton did the double over you. Everton!. In my time as manager of Negeri Sembilan, we have never lost by more than 2 goals, an indication of my tactical ingenuity, and we certainly picked up more than a point against our rivals. Sadly, genius is never appreciated during its time, which is why my time with them was short.

To further stress my qualities, thanks to my efforts, Negeri Sembilan will be playing in a new league next season. Did your Moyes do that? Of course not, he can't even get you to the very prestigious Europa League, where you can travel to the hidden cities in Europe. I was also able to solve the problem of this misfiring striker we had, and once that was done, we were back in the scoring business. At this stage of the season in our league, we certainly would not be challenging for the AFC Cup. Instead, we were after better things, such as competing in a more competitive league (in my opinion). If this has not shown my capabilities, then I don't know what will.

Furthermore, I was questioned as to why I do not play youngsters during my time. It is ridiculous. Everyone knows you don't win anything with kids. That was why I insisted on playing the oldies, because of their experience. Never mind the fact that some of them clearly cannot play the full game anymore. If I were to manage your club, Ryan Giggs will start every match as a captain, and Zaha and Januzaj will be sold to some 3rd division club in Ukraine. Also, in spirit of Asian solidarity, I will give your star playmaker who wears the shirt number 26, Park Ji-Sung, a more prominent role in the squad. Unfortunately, due to Moyes' stupidity, Nemanja Vidic will be leaving your club, which is why I will be contacting Gary Pallister and see if he would like to be the main defender from next season.

I will be waiting for your answer. Which will definitely be 'yes', since no sane person would turn down a genius such as me

Geniusly yours,
Divaldo Alves

Monday, April 14, 2014

Furious Storm (Part 1)

Night falls on HMS Mariner Venture. The ship's crew gets set for a shift change, allowing those on the day shift to get a well-earned rest. They've been on the rescue mission for quite some time now, but they still have not seen any sign of the shipwreck.

First Officer Robert Martin heads down to the dining hall, looking forward to Fajita Friday. A hot, piping batch is served just as he enters the dining hall. Grabbing a plate and taking what he needs, he settles down at a table at the corner. The rest of the crew know well enough by now that whenever he picks that table, he wants to be left alone with his thoughts. A lot of things run through his mind, but the most prominent of all - he just wants to go home, back to seeing his family and friends, with this being his final involvement with the navy. Though he likes the regimented lifestyle, he figured it is time to lead a normal life, with a professional job. He starts eating his fajitas, and before he knows it, he's cleaned off the whole plate.

Two weeks later...

The crew on board HMS Mariner Venture are getting excited. They just spotted a huge debris field of what they believe to be of the missing ocean cruiser, the Majestic Hope. All the rescue equipment has been put on standby, waiting for the command to be deployed. After getting the clearance, the equipment is deployed, hoping to find survivors, although they know any chance of that is very slim.

"Hey, is that a guy over there?"

Private Russell Lane's shout got the attention of some of the rescuers. Quickly, a couple of speedboats change their course to the location Lane pointed out. Sure enough, they found a man on one of the floating debris. Unfortunately, he was long gone. The rescuers retrieve him from the debris, and put him in a body bag. For a few hours, they scoured the area, and with the help of other ships that joined the rescue mission, they recovered most of the bodies of the victims of the wreck.

Lane's crew arrive on deck, together with the bodies they recovered. Robert helps them carry the bodies to a holding section. After finishing the task, he got a little curious.

"Mind if I look at the bodies?" he asks the ship doctor.

"Not really, just don't contaminate them any further" is the reply.

He runs through their faces one by one. Whatever emotion he has while looking at the faces, he keeps it hidden really well. Then, he stops at one of them, taking a long, hard look at the face. It is of a man, who is of similar age as Robert himself. Slowly, Robert breaks into a smile and whispers...

"Finally. It's been years, but you're finally dead. What took you so long?"

To be continued...