Divaldo Alves' Application Letter For The Manchester United Job

Dear Mr Glazer

It is I, Divaldo Alves, tactical genius. I am writing this letter to you for the purpose of applying for the job of manager for your club, Manchester United.

Now, I hear you saying, "But Mr Alves, we already have a manager. Why on earth do we need you? And were you not sacked by your last club?". Well, this is where you are mistaken. It is obvious that your club is in dire need of a tactical mastermind such as myself, since David Moyes seems to be doing a terrible job. How can one pick up only 1 point and 1 goal against 3 of your rivals? Add to the fact that you lost 4-1 to Manchester City. In my time as manager of Negeri Sembilan, we have never lost by more than 2 goals, an indication of my tactical ingenuity, and we certainly picked up more than a point against our rivals. Sadly, genius is never appreciated during its time, which is why my time with them was short.

To further stress my qualities, thanks to my efforts, Negeri Sembilan will be playing in a new league next season. Can your Moyes do that? Of course not. I was also able to solve the problem of this misfiring striker we had, and once that was done, we were back in the scoring business. At this stage of the season in our league, we certainly would not be challenging for the Europa League. Instead, we were after better things, such as competing in a more competitive league (in my opinion). If this has not shown my capabilities, then I don't know what will.

Furthermore, I was questioned as to why I do not play youngsters during my time. It is ridiculous. Everyone knows you don't win anything with kids. That was why I insisted on playing the oldies, because of their experience. Never mind the fact that some of them clearly cannot play the full game anymore. If I were to manage your club, Ryan Giggs will start every match as a captain, and Zaha and Januzaj will be sold to some 3rd division club in Ukraine. Also, in spirit of Asian solidarity, I will give your star playmaker who wears the shirt number 26, Park Ji-Sung, a more prominent role in the squad.

And yes, while I realize that Moyes engineered a win over Liverpool last night, it is a feat which is expected from any manager really. Which is why I will be taking over, since he already lost the first time around.

I will be waiting for your answer. Which will definitely be 'yes', since no sane person would turn down a genius such as me

Geniusly yours,
Divaldo Alves

How Divaldo Alves' Day Went

TIME : Approximately 24 hours before kick-off
Huh. So PBNS have decided to put me on gardening leave ahead of tomorrow's clash against ATM. As if that's gonna do the team any good. The players haven't been playing that well anyway. Putting a local coach in charge? Like that's gonna make any difference. The team will lose tomorrow, and soon they will be all "oh great tactical genius Divaldo, please come back, we were wrong to drop you". And then I will be like, "You fools! You dare drop me, Divaldo Alves, in the idiotic thought that you might actually get a win? Now bow down to me and admit my tactical genius!"

TIME : 20 minutes before kick-off
Wait, no Marlon in the ATM lineup? No matter, they will win anyway, since this new guy is putting players out of position and will end up looking like a fool at the end of the game

TIME : 2nd minute
Holy crap, the jinx actually scored? This is not going according to plan at all. If Negeri win they will forget all about me and love the new guy. No matter, the team can't hold on to a lead for long anyway

TIME : Whenever it was that Hairuddin equalised
BOOM! Told ya! The team will never break their no-win streak. Not as long as I am around. Divaldo Alves, tactical genius!

TIME : Nazrin's goal
What the hell is going on? Nazrin scored? That kid always thought hitting the post counted as extra points. Maybe the new coach confused him into actually scoring? Witchcraft, definitely

TIME : Half-time (ATM 1-2 N9)
Okay, Divaldo, okay. There's still 45 minutes to go. ATM can win this for sure even without Hairuddin in the team and I can have my job back. The team could not win with I, tactical master Divaldo Alves, so what chance do they have with the new guy?

TIME : 60th minute
This is getting nervy. Since when do they know how to hold on to a lead?

TIME : 75th minute
With these substitutions the new guy made it clearly shows he doesn't know what he's doing. What more with players out of their positions. I can definitely see ATM getting 2 quick goals, and me getting my job back

TIME : 85th minute 
ATM JUST SCORE A DAMN GOAL FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

TIME : Full-time (ATM 1-2 N9)
This is definitely not what I had in mind. It was I, Divaldo Alves, the tactical genius who was supposed to engineer a first win for the team this season and be hailed as a hero by the masses. Instead, a random newbie did it and the fans already love him. They were supposed to love me! Also, those glasses make him look stupid. Clearly I have a better fashion sense. I'd go to NS Betaria and ruin them, but they already did that to themselves. What next for me, you ask? I think the Everton job is available...

Czech prodigy set to sign for Negeri Sembilan?

 Artur Vlastislavic, Czech hotshot striker

With Negeri Sembilan's season effectively being over after being knocked out of the Piala Malaysia quarterfinals, the transfer rumour mill is at full swing, with Farizal Marlias having been already being confirmed to join Perak for next season. With the contract status of Jean-Emmanuel Effa Owona and Marian Farbak being major unknowns, the name Artur Vlastislavic has popped up, touted as a possible player to fully utilise the foreign player rules

 Vlastislavic is an 18-year-old Czech striker, who can also function as an attacking midfielder. Born in the town of Karviná in the year 1994, Vlastislavic was spotted by MFK Karviná scouts while he was playing in a regional football competition, during which he was the youngest player of the tournament at a tender age of 7. He joined the club's academy, and started playing in the U18 league at the age of 14. During this time, he bagged an impressive total of 102 goals after making 89 appearances, a club record. Vlastislavic has clearly impressed the manager, who persuaded him to sign a pre-contract deal when he was 16

However, Czech giants Sparta Prague caught wind of this raw talent, and snapped him up a year later. He is yet to feature in the first team so far, but he has been banging them in while playing for the U18 team, scoring 34 goals in 29 appearances. An ankle injury suffered while training last January has hampered his progress, but expect him to return to form once he recovers

Sources in Czech Republic state that scouts from several Malaysian teams, including Negeri Sembilan, were spotted at recent matches involving Sparta Prague's U18 team, apparently casting an eye on Vlastislavic. It remains to be seen whether these rumours hold any water, but should they be true, expect him to wear the yellow of Negeri Sembilan as the sources also indicated only the scout from Negeri Sembilan was present in all the matches mentioned  

if you actually believe this I feel sorry for you

Piala Malaysia 2012 - Negeri Sembilan vs ATM (Quarterfinal Preview)

It was almost inevitable, wasn't it? With the number of players departing to ATM, it was not a question of if, but when they would be facing Negeri Sembilan. In a week's time, six former Deer - Farizal Harun, Irwan Fadzli Idrus, Aidil Zafuan, Rezal Zambery Yahya, Zaquan Adha and Hairuddin Omar - would come face-to-face with their former teammates. Several Deer fans still have a soft spot for these players due to their services to the team, but come matchday, all sentiments will surely be forgotten

On paper, ATM are the favourites to win the tie, simply because of the sheer number of so-called stars in the team. But football is never won on paper (see Wigan vs Manchester United, season 2011/2012), and certainly not on Malaysian papers, where somehow we are always the underdogs even though we've made it to the final 3 times in a row now. Individuals do not make a team, and I'm fairly certain that collectively as a team, we are better than them

In goal, there will be the battle of the Farizals - Marlias for Negeri Sembilan and Harun for ATM. Both keepers have done well in their stints at NS last season, but judging from the few ATM matches I've seen on telly, it seems our Farizal (Mael) has a slight edge over Farizal Harun (Ijai). Having said that, Ijai has always had quick reflexes, so our strikers may need to find that extra something to beat him. Certainly I'd back Mael to keep out all the threats from ATM as he's been superb this season so far

I would fully expect coach Azraai to deploy Kuna and Shahurain (Kecik) as our main wingers. In the previous match Kuna was played at rightback, which for me restricted his play, as he is well known for the tireless, bombarding runs down the flank. The change was made to accommodate Thana on the left wing, who admittedly was key in our equaliser against Felda. It would be interesting to see who would the coach go with, but I'd start Kecik and Kuna, with Thana being the 'joker' on the bench

As for midfield, I would like to see Idris and Rashid being played there playing the roles of playmaker and enforcer respectively. Idris certainly has the quality to dictate play from the middle of the park, and it would be interesting to see him squaring up against Rezal, his partner-in-crime during their time together. I'm looking at Rashid to be the player who breaks up the opposition attacks in midfield. Sort of what Alif does, minus the yellow cards. If we can control the midfield, we can control the game, hence my rationale for those two mentioned above

Now in attack it's going to be fairly obvious - Owona and Khairul Izuan. These two - if I'm not mistaken - have started in all the matches in the tournament together so far. Owona is going to be a marked man, so Khairul Izuan needs provide an outlet for Owona. He needs to play off Owona, which means whenever Owona receives the ball, he should be ready for Owona to lay the ball off to him. Khairul certainly has pace, and needs to use that advantage to beat the ATM defence

In my eyes, ATM's key players will be Hairuddin, Marlon, Rezal and Aidil (Zaquan too if he plays). These are all quality players, and our team certainly have a huge task at hand to overcome them. However I have complete faith in the likes of Farbak and Rashid to quell these threats. Farbak for me would be key in our defence as he would be the one doing all the tackling, which has certainly saved us in many occasions

And if anything goes wrong, we always have this guy... 

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I was lucky enough to attend the Piala Malaysia roadshow organized by Astro last Saturday. The main reason I was there was to meet the Negeri Sembilan players. I also took part in the fastest shot challenge, which unfortunately I did not win. But yeah the highlight of the day was taking some pictures together with the players

Here are some shots from the day

 

So9 Exclusive : Api Kemarahan Tok Mat

Harga tiket final Piala Malaysia 2011 telah ditetapkan pada RM50, dan keputusan ini telah menimbulkan kemarahan para peminat Negeri Sembilan dan Terengganu. Presiden PBNS/MB Negeri Sembilan, DSU Mohamad Hassan juga marah terhadap tindakan tersebut. Kami di ‘State of Nine’ membayangkan lawatan Tok Mat ke Jawatankuasa Pertandingan Tempatan FAM berjalan seperti ini...

Mohamad : Oi Midin! Meh sini jap!

Hamidin : Apa hal lak ni...Azudin, tolong tengok siapa tu

Azudin : Alamak, tu Mohamad Hassan la!

Hamidin : Siapa?

Azudin : Presiden PBNS la bro

Hamidin : PB...NS? Apa tu?

Azudin : Kau ingat Liga Malaysia ni ada Selangor je ke? Aku pun hardcore gak tapi takde la sampai tak tahu team lain

Hamidin : Diam la kau. Suruh dia masuk

Mohamad : Midin! Aku nak tahu satu ni je. Kenapa bila kau naikkan harga tiket, kau libatkan PBNS dengan PBSNT? Kitorang takde kena-mengena pun pasal naik harga tiket tu

Hamidin : Apa lak takde kena-mengena? Korang dah ada hantar wakil hari tu kan?

Mohamad : Siapa lak nama diorang tu?

Hamidin : Err...Hazudin dengan Amidin. Takde pertalian darah antara kitorang

Mohamad : Mengarut benar la. Aku dah kira-kira, PBNS rugi sebab nak tanggung kos RM20 untuk setiap tiket. Ingat kitorang semua bodoh ke apa? Kitorang tahu la yang naik RM50 tu sebab nak tanggung pembiayaan 'Misi 33' korang tu untuk tahun depan

Hamidin : Kau jangan nak tuduh bukan-bukan. Kalau tak puas hati sangat, boikot je la final tu nanti. Ni kan negara demokrasi, korang buat je la apa yang korang nak

Mohamad : Camtu lak...ok, kau yang paksa aku ni. Mario!

Hamidin : Mario mana lak ni?

Mohamad : Balotelli. Aku nak dia ajar korang cukup-cukup!

Hamidin : Apa? Balotelli? Tolong jangan! Ok, ok, aku tak libatkan persatuan korang berdua lagi. Tapi jangan panggil dia tu!

Balotelli : Too late. I've already parked my Maserati in your bedroom. And your kitchen is on fire too, thanks  to those fireworks I set off. The fire may spread to your secret money room as well

Hamidin : (menangis)

Mohamad : That's enough Mario, I think he's learnt his lesson. Now stop torturing him

Balotelli : Then you might not wanna hear the part where I drove his cars into female prisons in Italy 

So9 Exclusive : Komplot Menaikkan Harga Tiket

Harga tiket final Piala Malaysia 2011 telah ditetapkan pada RM50, dan keputusan ini telah menimbulkan kemarahan para peminat Negeri Sembilan dan Terengganu. Kami di ‘State of Nine’ membayangkan mesyuarat Jawatankuasa FAM berjalan seperti ini...

Hamidin : Nampaknya ‘Misi 33’ Selangor dah gagal

Azudin : Teruk betul la. Kita dah ubah venue final dari Bukit Jalil ke Shah Alam pun boleh kalah lagi ke?

Hamidin : Ini tak boleh jadi. Macam mana kita nak balas dendam?

Azudin : Kita gantung Negeri Sembilan dengan Terengganu selama 6 bulan nak?

Hamidin : Tak boleh, obvious sangat tu. Aha! Apa kata kita naikkan harga tiket jadi RM50?

Azudin : Tak ke fans marah nanti?

Hamidin : Biarlah diorang marah. FAM is Selangor and Selangor is FAM

Azudin : Betul tu. Tapi apa kita nak bagitau media nanti?

Hamidin : Cakap je la untuk baiki stadium, jaga keselamatan peminat dan nak elakkan penjualan tiket haram. Media ni senang je nak kena pancing. Lagipun media nanti akan pengaruh peminat semua

Azudin : Tapi bukan ke nanti peminat komplot kat internet?

Hamidin : Kau ingat aku bodoh ke? Internet tu kan mitos je

Azudin : ...

Hamidin : Dah, sudah, sudah! Tiket final RM50. Harga sebenar RM20 je, yang lagi RM30 tu masuk kantung FAS untuk jayakan ‘Misi 33’ musim depan. Jangan bagi Annuar tahu sudah. Dia marah nanti kita jugak susah. Dah la gaji si Kezman ni mahal gila

Azudin : Kalau takde siapa beli tiket?

Hamidin : Gantung je la FA dua-dua negeri selama 5 tahun. Macam tak biasa buat je

Azudin : Wokey bos! Majulah Selangor untuk negara!

Daudsu™

KOTA BHARU, 15 Jun - Kumpulan penyokong Kelantan FA secara rasminya telah menghakciptakan nama Daudsu Jamaluddin, sekaligus menghalang mana-mana pihak untuk menggunakan namanya. Pihak ramai terpaksa menggunakan 'Daudsu™' dalam apa-apa penerbitan.

Jelas mereka, langkah ini adalah penting untuk mempelihara martabat nama wira mereka.

"Meskipun dia telah menjaringkan gol sendiri Sabtu lalu, namun kami masih menganggapnya sebagai wira kami. Kalau bukan kami yang sokong, siapa lagi?" kata wakil kelab tersebut, Abdul Rahman Musa.

Kelab itu juga telah menyaman beberapa pihak lain, termasuk kelab penyokong pasukan negeri lain, atas penggunaan nama Daudsu.

"Saya sebenarnya tidak tahu namanya sudah menjadi hak cipta. Jadi terpaksalah kami menggunankan D***s* sahaja di Facebook kami, serta menggunakan bahasa yang baku dan gramatis. Mereka juga tidak puas hati atas gurauan kami terhadap pasukan mereka dan juga D***s*, sehingga mencipta page yang, walaupun pada dasarnya mengutuk admin kami, tetapi sebenarnya mengutuk seluruh negeri kami," kata salah seorang AJK kelab penyokong pasukan bola sepak untuk sebuah negeri yang terletak di pantai barat Semenanjung Malaysia.

Apabila ditanya, Daudsu sendiri tidak mengetahui apa-apa mengenai perkara ini, sebaliknya hanya meminta kami untuk memberikannya segelas Milo ais yang telah dipesannya sejam sebelum itu.

Dalam perkembangan lain, blog ini telah menerima sepucuk surat saman daripada kelab penyokong Kelantan FA berhubung dengan penggunaan nama Daudsu di blog ini.

Rafney Benitez's Sunday Facts

Hello, and welcome to my 'Sunday Facts' column. Let's go

1. Justin Bieber is overhyped and he's nothing special. FACT!

 2. 'Key of Awesome' got it spot-on with girls with Bieber fever. FACT! 

3. Carlos Tevez hasn't got a brain. FACT! 

4. Chicharito is United's Player of the Season. FACT! 

5. You can't post on Facebook about what you don't like about school. FACT! 

6. 'Power Rangers' is awesome. FACT! 

7. JackHammer's tweets about F1 2010 is just a way of torturing me since I haven't gotten mine to work since November. FACT! 

8. Going to the stadium and watch your team grab that win is more satisfying than watching it on TV. FACT! 

9. Stadium Merdeka has been defiled by that Bieber kid and Tunku Abdul Rahman is hating it. FACT!

10. Nikhil is a gay mummy's boy who is hated by most teachers. FACT!

And that wraps up my 'Sunday Facts' column for this week     

tips mengalahkan terengganu selasa ni

27/10, sehari selepas pertabalan Yamtuan NS baru, NS lawan terengganu Piala Malaysia. so, aku ada cadangan camner nak kalahkan diorang 1st leg ni :

1. ajak yamtuan gi stadium
2. pemain NS nampak yamtuan, mesti semangat naik
3. pemain terengganu lak mesti gelabah tengok yamtuan
4. ni sebab klau ganu menang, yamtuan mesti murka kat diorang
5. jadi, diorang kena la main hati-hati
6. akhirnya, NS menang 5-0, hasil jaringan zaquan (2), shukor, hairuddin dan robin hood...eh silap, idris karim

begitulah teorinya...jangan pemain NS lak gelabah, pemain ganu yang naik semangat :p

5 days of susah-ness

9:39:59...semua dah x sabar menunggu...sesaat kemudian, ketua pengawas PMR amik mike n said, "masa menjawab sudah tamat"...terdengar bisikan2 dari group tengah, yang makin lama makin kuat...bila siap je kutip semua kertas, makin kuat bunyinye...n bila beliau berkata, "calon2 boleh keluar dewan sekarang", semua jadi ala2 HSM2 (wei, korang remaja kan? kalau x tau amende tu memang screwed la korang!), minus the awful song :p...

so, apa aku buat pastu? well, aku, mustafa, nazrul n safwan dah plan gi terminal sesama...tapi si arip tonggek lak menyemak join group kitorang, so dia kene la silent treatment...huhu...

sampai je kat terminal, kelihatan kedia game...x bukak lagi! adoi, frustnya! kedai apa kul 10.30 x bukak lagi? berkat kesabaran kitorang, akhirnya bukak gak kedai2 game tu...so kitorang masuk la...mus, nazrul, tonggek n idin (dia join lambat sikit) nak main PES (best ke? cam bodoh je). sementara aku menunggu, aku beli la 2 game ni...

Madden 10 dengan FIFA 10...guna je la 2010

aku tengok la diorang main...idin vs mustafa, liverFOOL vs man utd...idin menang 7-0 O_o...mentang2 la mus baru 1st time main, nak buli dia lak...sementara diorang main, aku dengan nazrul gi turun beli FIFA 10 versi PC (sumpah lagi lawa grafik)...RM30! x cekik darah ke tu?

anyway, balik je rumah, aku terus install game tu...seperti biasa aku man utd...main 3 match dulu...burnley 9-1, zenit st. petersburg 4-2 dan chelsea 8-2...mana taknya, main amatur je :p...

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this following event takes place between 8.45 pm and 10.45 pm --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

penonton tegar hobin jang hobin

apa lagi, gi la stadium paroi tengok bola! 2-0 in the end, hairuddin n idris skor...tapi aku tengok 1st half cam nak menyampah aku...hairuddin masuk je mula menyerlah NS...baru je masuk dah dapat through ball, gelecek defender pastu shoot...tapi kene block. kalau awal sikit dah 1-0 dah agaknya masa tu

burger stadium...sedap wei!

ok gak la match tu...makan sedap, NS menang, 100% dalam Piala Malaysia, kira enjoyable la gak match tu...

bahagian penyokong kuat NS

wide angle shot (ye2 je)

NS in action

aku dan stadium

tiket bola...tapi simpanan je :p

what????

ok la, korang semua tahu aku minat bola kan? aku minat negeri sembilan dengan man united kan? dan sesiapa yang follow liga malaysia tahu FAM macam bengap sikit kan? meh dengar aku punye 'rant'.

mengikut jadual asal Liga Super (super lagi ke? asyik tukar format je), sepatutnye negeri sembilan lawan terengganu kat paroi sabtu lepas untuk game terakhir diorang (dengan lagi 12 team lain). so, imagine my surprise when si tua2 kutuk kat FAM tunda 6 game kat sabtu ni...

sori gambar blur

i was like, WHAT THE HECK? camne selangor boleh lak lawan pahang sabtu lepas? apa specialnya dua-dua team ni? ada konspirasi ke nak selamatkan pahang? atau selangor ni saviour bola sepak malaysia? tahu la amri yahya skor 2 lawan man united, tapi takyah la berlagak. zaquan pun bleh buat gak! dah la minggu ni aku kene gi kelantan cousin aku kahwin. kalau kelantan main home xpe gak, at least dapat tengok bola. tapi diorang @Johor FC, jadi KB lengang la.

so, soalan aku kepada FAM (kalau diorang baca), apa kejadahnye selangor n pahang boleh main sabtu lepas, tapi team lain xleh? apa kejadahnya korang tunda lagi 6 game tu? dah la aku sebulan x tengok negeri sembilan main! semangat hobin aku x pernah terpadam, korang cube lak nak padamkan semangat ni (dan penyokong2 lagi 11 team). resign je la, pakcik!

x dapat la aku tengok diorang main

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spoof time!

ok, korang semua mesti kenal kan lagu 'Beat It' oleh Michael Jackson kan? well, ahad tu aku browse youtube, search 'beat it' n aku jumpa lagu ni : Weird Al Yankovich - Eat It.

macam mane lagu die? hayati lah...

lirik:

How come you're always such a fussy young man?
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it

Don't wanna argue, I don't wanna debate
Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate
You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate
So eat it

Don't you tell me you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it, ooh

Your table manners are some cryin' shame
You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game
Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame
So eat it, just eat it

You better listen, better do what you're told
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold
So eat it

I don't care if you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Open up your mouth and feed it
Have some more yogurt, have some more spam
It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
If it's gettin' cold, reheat it
Have a big dinner, have a light snack
If you don't like it you can't send it back
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it (oh lord)
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's broiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it (oh no)
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

hehe, best x? :-)